The Last Supper

Up until about an hour ago, I was feeling calm, relaxed, and confident about surgery. I took these last few days to unwind and exercise, while getting overwhelming support and love from friends. I had accepted the inevitability of surgery. Ready to face the challenge.
Tonight, my parents and I went out for my last supper before surgery- I was looking forward to stuffing my belly with as much solid food as I could before the dreaded liquid diet began. With the upcoming months of smoothies and melted ice cream in mind, I ordered everything in sight! I gobbled a hearty tomato soup and downed a mocha latte while my parents discussed the logistics for my surgery. Then all of a sudden, something stirred in my stomach. It was either the tomato soup or the reality of my situation finally beginning to sink in. Slightly nauseous, I took the final sip of my latte. And in the deep brown dregs at the bottom of my decaf mocha latte, I saw my future. The stories I have pored over these past few weeks suddenly became hauntingly real: the IV, the blood, the pain, the anesthesia, the swelling, all of it. At this point, I started freaking out in the middle of the restaurant. I ran to the bathroom and stayed there until my pulse stopped racing and my eyes stopped watering. I tried to summon the strength I had felt before, and began to calm down.
I've had surgery before, but nothing like this. "Everyone freaks out before surgery, I would think something was wrong with you if you didn't," my dad assured me. I was just hoping I could avoid that part.
But it's all over now, and I've resumed my zen, accepting state. I have all the information on my surgery, I know the risks, I know what to expect for recovery. And I think that knowledge, as well as support, is essential for remaining calm through this process. My next post should (hopefully!) be the day after tomorrow- the surgeon said I could be staying in the hospital for up to four days, but if all goes well like he believes it will, it will only be the first night. Ahhh here we go! BRING IT ON!