Sorry I haven't posted in so long! The college life has kept me busy. I have still been keeping up with the progress of the other patients whose blogs I'm following though, several of whom are just in the early stages of recovery. Everyone is doing so well! It's so strange to think back on the misery of the first month after surgery-- I am not sure how I survived not talking or eating for a month but I am so relieved that that part of my life is far behind me.
I really haven't been wearing my rubber bands as much as I should. Having braces is bad enough! I'm hoping that this doesn't delay getting them off because I am SO ready. My molars aren't quite touching yet but I have an appointment the week after next to evaluate my progress. Wouldn't it be amazing if my braces came off then? One can only dream.
Thankfully, the clear braces aren't too visible in pictures!
Smiling is so much easier! I am slowly forgetting how the arrangement of my jaws felt before surgery-- the way they fit now feels so natural. This is how it was always supposed to be. :) Pre-braces Facebook photos can be found here.
Longest day of my LIFE! With aching eyes and teeth, I woke up at 6:30 this morning for an appointment with my orthodontist. He removed the hooks that were placed for surgery, took out the archwires, and allowed me to brush my teeth. YES. I was like a kid in a dental hygeine product-filled candy store! Because of the splint, the spaces between my upper teeth hadn't seen the light of day in two months. Even after burning through four pre-pasted toothbrushes and six toothfloss-singles, I can tell I am still going to need whitening treatment once everything is over.
Taken when the ortho briefly removed the wires-- there are still bloody spots from the splint. :/
Once my mouth was feeling the cleanest it had in two months, the orthodontist examined my teeth. My suspicions were confirmed: I require additional orthodontics because my molars are not touching and my teeth are canted slightly to the right. In an effort to combat the tilt, I have to wear a rubber band on one side in a rectangular fashion during the day and a linear one at night. (UGH.) He believes the shifting is a result of overcorrection of my bite by the surgeon, an expected outcome of surgery.
New wires! Note that the top wire is canted slightly upwards.
The orthodontist also remarked that I can now be likened to a patient first coming in for orthodontic work: the jaws in place, but teeth askew. Great. Even after all of this, my journey has far from reached an end. The worst may be over, but there's at least six more months of orthodontics to come... UGH.
In light of this big step in the process, I decided to make a few more changes today to celebrate coming this far. I got my ears double-pierced:
Good profile shot too!
And got a much-needed haircut!
Despite the frustration at requiring more orthodontics, it feels amazing to have the worst part of this behind me. My teeth feel so free and so much cleaner without that awful splint. Just braces to deal with now!
Was playing around with the Picstitch app for iPhone today and produced these artsy photos of my profile:
I wasted way too much time doing this so I thought I'd put them somewhere! Haha.
Tomorrow I am attending a friends birthday party which will surely be an interesting experience. Though I now have no reservations about seeing friends while I am dealing with the splint, I have yet to have been to an event since surgery with many people I barely know. I am going to have to do so much explaining! Regardless, I will not let the splint prevent me from enjoying myself.
In the other progress photos I posted near the beginning of this blog, I only took frontal and profile shots, while I think it's interesting to see surgery's effect on every angle of the face. So here's a "360"-style view where you can see my flat cheeks but better profile at seven and a half weeks post-op:
The wires and splint have created some fullness around my lip area that makes me feel a little like this:
Which I'm hoping will go down once it's all removed. Overall, I am definitely happy with the results of surgery now that the majority of the swelling has gone down. :)
To add a little adventure and excitement to the monotony of my work day, today I ventured to the new bathroom across the office. It was a beautiful brass-furnished bathroom complete with an octagonal mirror through which I could see every single angle of my face. I must have spent twenty minutes just standing there fascinated by the ability to scrutinize each and every facet of my post-surgery profile. The changes are indeed subtle, but definitely significant! I can't help feeling that this was the way I was always supposed to look-- I love seeing photos of my profile now!
I'm still very malar-deficient, but there's not much I can do about that. It's an amazing feeling to have the most difficult parts of surgery behind me and to be enjoying the results. :)
It was a true blue sunny California day. A friend and I visited the US Open of Surfing, a massive event consisting of hordes of bikini-clad beachgoers, booths on booths of unnecessary free stuff, and of course, surfing. The place was peppered with photo-ops which I avoided as much as possible.
My friend did manage to snap this candid shot:
Shoes meant to be signed hang from strings around the event because why the hell not.
My profile looks so... normal! I am relieved/amazed to not see my chin poking out. After awhile, my friend finally persuaded me to take a photo with her, despite my reservations about my splinty smile.
From far away, it just looks like I have braces!
Because everyone likes comparisons, here's a photo of us before surgery:
It's a little difficult to see an enormous difference from these pictures, but it's definitely there. :)
I came home from work today all pissed off at my situation and everything and everyone. I was going to spare any readers of this blog this information, but the day just is no longer complete without posting. The major reason I decided to write this diary-style is due to this blog, which is one of the first and most helpful jaw-surgery related blogs I read before surgery. Because hers was daily, I found it valuable to be able to compare what I was feeling at each point in my journey to her similar experience. This surgery requires so much more than the necessary information concerning eating, banding, bracing, or before & afters. The emotional component, at least from my standpoint, is huge.
So as to why I'm feeling all pissed off: I'm beginning to question whether or not all of this was worth it. Of course it's too early to tell, given I still am far from a final result, but I can't help thinking that I would have fared just as well in life had I not chosen to go through with surgery. And of course I can't do anything about it now. I am just sick of all this. My optimistic self assures me that this is a learning and growing experience that I will be glad to have weathered in the end. My short-tempered, impatient current self is completely exasperated and fed up with feeling like an idiot with all this hardware in my mouth.
I've always felt so imperfect, a patient who needs to be fixed. My jaw isn't my only issue, as I've addressed briefly in other posts: instead of looking forward to a worry-free future, my mind now gravitates towards the other surgeries I need. Orthognathic surgery may be the most major, but it is nowhere near the panacea for the other functional issues to which I have learned to adapt. Making matters worse, I sense my own tangible negativity and self-pitying. My issues are minor compared to those of many others, yet I sit and complain about every unfavorable thing rather than just shut up and be happy. It's just one of those days I guess.
And plus there was that awful shooting in Colorado today. (Lets just make this post more depressing)
So ANYWAY I hate to end on that note so I will say that I made plans to go to the beach and see a movie this weekend with some friends- I'm sure I'll cheer up with activities that'll get my mind off surgery.
Splint-filled life is slowly beginning to resemble regular life: I'm feeling less like a patient and more like a person. Today consisted of hanging out at the beach with a friend, watching Breaking Bad on Netflix and eating mac and cheese, pumpkin bread, and various other normal foods! Though I can chew a little now, I still spit and stumble when I speak. I am still reluctant to completely rejoin society as I am obviously self-conscious about the splint, but feel a strong obligation to return to work. My boss has been more than accommodating: because I have to be able to talk for the job I haven't been in the office for this entire month! I've decided to go back Thursday. It will be strange to go out in public like this, but I keep telling myself that I need to be eased back in. Life doesn't stop with jaw surgery, as nice as it would be to go to some island and chill there for another month until all of this is over.
Eating has proved to be equally, if not more, of a challenge now that the bands are removed. Liquids are infinitely easier to consume, but I am desperate to graduate to more normal foods. Unfortunately, attempting to eat solids is excruciating. I tried scrambled eggs this morning, and due to the limited movement of my jaw, could only scoop in tiny pieces at a time with a spoon. The process took ages: I felt like that Buddhist prince who tried to achieve nirvana by eating a grain of rice per day!
I was successful with a Cup of Noodles though, which was amazing. However, the way I ate felt disgusting: it was a slobbery display in which I used my tongue to maneuver the noodles into my mouth then mashed them around in an attempt to chew. Regardless, I ate those noodles. And did not have to puree them. YES. Also whenever I'm hungry, the image of a syringe pops into my brain and I constantly have to remind myself that I am done with those horrible things for good!
Now that my mouth is gaining more feeling bit by bit, the pain of extended talking is near unbearable due to the thick metal wires under my gums that stick the inside of my cheeks and lips. My tongue, which has finally escaped from its prison, can now feel the tender, torn flesh. I layered dental wax on the worst offenders, but the wires seem to be sticking out everywhere. Sometimes a lip gets caught while talking and-- OUCH. Not a pleasant experience. The stitches under my upper lip are also coming out, which I asked my surgeon about. His response was dismissive-- apparently they are supposed to dissolve?
Here's a close up of what's going on in there (kinda gross, sorry!):
The white stuff is wax, don't worry!
The splint is that clear plastic thing that fits over my upper teeth-- it extends all the way back like a retainer. According to the surgeon, the epoxied brackets were not strong enough to hold my jaw in place during surgery, so he fashioned the wires on the bottom around my teeth and under my gums. Those things are the worst.
I'm not sure if it's evident from this picture, but my bite is now perfect! Once all of that crazy metal is removed, my teeth will fit together quite nicely. At this I am so relieved-- this lengthy ordeal is proving to be worth it.
A friend came to visit today, and we snapped this picture!
Big metal-filled smile!
And here's a similar photo we took pre-braces:
We looked a lot tanner back then!
Here I was exercising my classic turn-the-head mouth-slightly-open pose in which I could most comfortably smile. Smiling involves a lot less effort now, though it includes a lot more pain due to the bits of metal tearing up the inside of my mouth. Most everyone who has seen me say they see little change in my appearance, which I guess is a positive thing- being unrecognizable would be awful!
BIG DAY TODAY! I arrived at the surgeon's for my appointment hoping for the best, but honestly expecting nothing. He had assured me that I would be in fixation for a solid six weeks, today's appointment being only to loosen the bands holding my jaws together. However, when the surgeon strolled casually into the room as he always seems to do, he nonchalantly remarked, "Have we cut those bands off yet? What has it been, six weeks now?" I instantly was shaking with excitement- was today going to be the day I would be able to eat and talk again? He bent down and squinted, examining my teeth. He nodded. "Okay, try not to move your jaw around too much, you're going to be sore after," YES IT WAS!
Opening my mouth again was a strange, almost alien sensation. I was instantly a lot more conscious of the big plastic splint in my mouth, and the fact that it smelled. Awful. I practiced trying to talk in the bathroom mirror, the voice coming naturally, but painfully due to the metal wires jutting into the inside of my mouth. However, on the car ride home, I was overcome with joy: I CAN TALK AGAIN! I excitedly began to speak with my parents, called friends, and took some pictures:
My tongue can finally see the light of day!
I was STOKED. My first order of business as soon as I got home was to EAT SOLID FOOD. My mom made me some pasta, and I quickly realized that I was biting off more than I could chew. (HA!) My mouth can only open so far, and my joints were giving me a head and neckache from the chatting. I could only eat via swallowing one pasta shell at a time whole, which was excruciating. Unfortunately, I will have to hold off on solid foods for a little longer. But still, it's a HUGE step towards normalcy. We happily threw away all the syringes that have littered the house for the past month and broke out the baby spoons. YES!
Because it's my first opportunity to talk, I also decided to record a video so that readers of this blog could more easily visualize my face and hear my gargly voice:
That's an attractive thumbnail photo.
It's strange to suddenly be granted speech again. After such a long period of silence, I have to actively remind myself that I'm able to articulate the thoughts in my head. This blog has been my voice for the past month, writing and art my means of expression. I felt like a monk, exploring my thoughts, feelings, and capabilities while under a vow of silence. It was a unique experience, one I never would have undertaken had I not been forced to by this surgery. Though I learned a lot, I am definitely grateful for the silent stage in my life to have ended. There's still a long way to go, but today marked a massive milestone in my journey!
I woke up today feeling artsy as HELL. The morning consisted of downloading a plethora of new music which I then listened to all afternoon while sketching on the patio in a wifebeater and pajama pants!
Look at how happy she is without braces...
Losing my voice has steered me towards alternative modes of expression, namely writing and art! I've become so much more in touch with creativity now that I've had all this excess time to myself. This I am grateful for and appreciative of, but the aftermath of jaw surgery still sucks. I guess I'm just still seeking out positivity in the midst of all this shit. Things have been stable for so long that I need to actively remind myself that I will not have to be silent or foodless forever. I've almost become accustomed to this lifestyle. Maybe some small part of me will miss not feeling the obligation to go out or speak-- it's an opportunity to learn more about oneself. Though I still see friends, it's usually to just to watch a movie or show (I can't do much!). It might even be strange to readjust to my previous life of talking, eating, smiling. What if I can't remember how?
Maybe I'll become a psychiatrist after all of this. In my state of being unable to talk, I have spent a great deal more time listening to and understanding others. Last night while hanging out with a close friend, she remarked to me that the best friends are those who can exchange no words without any awkwardness or feeling of obligation to speak. If nothing else, I really have learned through this experience just how fortunate I am to have such wonderful people in my life that love me no matter what condition I'm in! And after college, an environment in which I am constantly surrounded by a large variety of people, I have now come to appreciate solitude and self-reflection time. I have also acquired a lot of patience. Also thanks to some Youtube videos that some friends and I watched one night, I now know several dirty words in sign language. hahaha.
Wow, three weeks since surgery-- so hard to believe! It feels great to have the worst behind me. I've been venturing out in public a little more as well: a friend and I went to see The Amazing Spiderman today! I definitely felt a little awkward not being able to talk- she had to buy my ticket for me and I just had to nod to everyone. I've had to miss out on a lot due to recovery, so it's nice to get out and do something normal once and awhile!
Sent this to a friend while in the car-- silly. My dad won't let me drive because if I get pulled over I won't be able to defend myself!
Because it's been three weeks, here are some progress pics:
My swelling's nearly gone from my cheeks (it's there on the right) but it's still around my lip area. It's not that visible from these pictures.
When I bite down, I feel as if my teeth touch more on the left side than the right. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or not, but it's something I'm going to bring up with my surgeon when I finally see him!
I also jogged a little for the first time since surgery, which felt amazing. My legs had been withering away from underuse, my muscles were aching, and I've been very lethargic. Because I can't vent air from my mouth, I have refrained from exercising too strenuously. Regardless, it's so important to try to move those muscles during recovery! I'm embarrassed at how out of shape I must be, it's gonna be hell working myself up for track season again!
I know I keep saying this over and over, but I miss food. So, so very much. I had never been one for fine dining in my pre-surgery life. On the contrary, I ate very little, taking only what I needed to satisfy hunger and then not caring to finish the rest. Food was never at the forefront of my priorities; rather, it always lingered in the background somewhere as a boring necessity. Now food is all I think about-- maybe I'll develop an interest in cooking or something after all this! Oh, what I would give to bury my teeth in a soft, savory, sweet turkey burger right now. My stomach is audibly groaning at the thought! Someday we'll be together again, food my love. Someday.
_-_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665).jpg/300px-Johannes_Vermeer_(1632-1675)_-_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665).jpg)
