Day 28: 4 WEEKS BANDS ARE OFF!! PICS&VIDEO! :) :)

BIG DAY TODAY!  I arrived at the surgeon's for my appointment hoping for the best, but honestly expecting nothing.  He had assured me that I would be in fixation for a solid six weeks, today's appointment being only to loosen the bands holding my jaws together.  However, when the surgeon strolled casually into the room as he always seems to do, he nonchalantly remarked, "Have we cut those bands off yet?  What has it been, six weeks now?"  I instantly was shaking with excitement- was today going to be the day I would be able to eat and talk again?  He bent down and squinted, examining my teeth.  He nodded.  "Okay, try not to move your jaw around too much, you're going to be sore after," YES IT WAS!  
Opening my mouth again was a strange, almost alien sensation.  I was instantly a lot more conscious of the big plastic splint in my mouth, and the fact that it smelled.  Awful.  I practiced trying to talk in the bathroom mirror, the voice coming naturally, but painfully due to the metal wires jutting into the inside of my mouth.  However, on the car ride home, I was overcome with joy: I CAN TALK AGAIN!  I excitedly began to speak with my parents, called friends, and took some pictures:

My tongue can finally see the light of day!

I was STOKED.  My first order of business as soon as I got home was to EAT SOLID FOOD.  My mom made me some pasta, and I quickly realized that I was biting off more than I could chew. (HA!) My mouth can only open so far, and my joints were giving me a head and neckache from the chatting.  I could only eat via swallowing one pasta shell at a time whole, which was excruciating.  Unfortunately, I will have to hold off on solid foods for a little longer.  But still, it's a HUGE step towards normalcy.  We happily threw away all the syringes that have littered the house for the past month and broke out the baby spoons.  YES!

Because it's my first opportunity to talk, I also decided to record a video so that readers of this blog could more easily visualize my face and hear my gargly voice:

That's an attractive thumbnail photo.

It's strange to suddenly be granted speech again.  After such a long period of silence, I have to actively remind myself that I'm able to articulate the thoughts in my head.  This blog has been my voice for the past month, writing and art my means of expression.  I felt like a monk, exploring my thoughts, feelings, and capabilities while under a vow of silence.  It was a unique experience, one I never would have undertaken had I not been forced to by this surgery.  Though I learned a lot, I am definitely grateful for the silent stage in my life to have ended.  There's still a long way to go, but today marked a massive milestone in my journey!

Day 26: Flexibility

Excitement for the day: I was having some chocolate ice cream after dinner tonight when the syringe just absolutely EXPLODED.  Everywhere.  Chocolate got all over my face, the couch, my clothes, just UGH everywhere.  #liquiddietproblems.  And this isn't the first time this has happened: I'm still finding dried applesauce all over the kitchen!  I will be so happy when I can eat normally again!

Other than that little fiasco, today mostly consisted of trying to stay limber.  My muscles have been unusually tight lately and my back has been in spasm from inactivity.  (In addition to the whole jaw problem, I also have moderate to severe scoliosis, but that's a whole different story-- I got the best genes I know)  So, I picked through YouTube to find yoga and zumba videos and spent the day keeping flexible in a sports bra and spandex!  Now I'm feeling so much better!  I'm just itching to be active again, but it's difficult if I can't open my mouth to breathe.  One more day till my appointment with the surgeon!  Crossing my fingers that he'll be in a good mood and take off my bands.

What I was up to today!

OH and also a bit of good news: I had this muscle in my face that's been so painful to move whenever I tried to smile that now doesn't hurt anymore!  I still experience weird sensations when I animate, but it's mostly feelings of numbness and soreness.  No more pain woohoo! :)

Day 21: THREE WEEKS!

Wow, three weeks since surgery--  so hard to believe!  It feels great to have the worst behind me.  I've been venturing out in public a little more as well: a friend and I went to see The Amazing Spiderman today!  I definitely felt a little awkward not being able to talk- she had to buy my ticket for me and I just had to nod to everyone.  I've had to miss out on a lot due to recovery, so it's nice to get out and do something normal once and awhile!

Sent this to a friend while in the car-- silly.  My dad won't let me drive because if I get pulled over I won't be able to defend myself!

Because it's been three weeks, here are some progress pics:

My swelling's nearly gone from my cheeks (it's there on the right) but it's still around my lip area. It's not that visible from these pictures.

When I bite down, I feel as if my teeth touch more on the left side than the right.  I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or not, but it's something I'm going to bring up with my surgeon when I finally see him!

I also jogged a little for the first time since surgery, which felt amazing.  My legs had been withering away from underuse, my muscles were aching, and I've been very lethargic.  Because I can't vent air from my mouth, I have refrained from exercising too strenuously.  Regardless, it's so important to try to move those muscles during recovery!  I'm embarrassed at how out of shape I must be, it's gonna be hell working myself up for track season again!

I know I keep saying this over and over, but I miss food.  So, so very much.  I had never been one for fine dining in my pre-surgery life.  On the contrary, I ate very little, taking only what I needed to satisfy hunger and then not caring to finish the rest.  Food was never at the forefront of my priorities; rather, it always lingered in the background somewhere as a boring necessity.  Now food is all I think about-- maybe I'll develop an interest in cooking or something after all this!  Oh, what I would give to bury my teeth in a soft, savory, sweet turkey burger right now.  My stomach is audibly groaning at the thought!  Someday we'll be together again, food my love.  Someday.

Day 20: FIRST SMILE IN 3 WEEKS!!! :)

The title says it all!  After nearly three weeks of being unable to smile, I finally got my facial muscles to do my bidding!  Greatest day ever.  It looks weird because of the bands, but here are some pics:

My bottom lip appears to still be sticking out in front when I smile in profile, but it's much less noticeable than it was before surgery.  

It definitely hurts a bit, but I consider today to be a big step!  I can now tell I'm going to be happy with the results of surgery.  My midline is definitely off, which I'm just being nitpicky about, but this is a huge improvement from before!  I can't wait to be rid of all the other shit in my mouth and see my braceless smile!  Happy day! :)

Day 17: Why I Got Jaw Surgery/Before Photos

I'd like to think that I did a pretty decent job of hiding my underbite in pictures that I let people see, which allowed me to conceal its severity-- to others and to myself.  I had developed little visual tricks: I would always turn my head at the same angle, never fully bit down, and smiled with my mouth slightly open, only revealing my top teeth.  While sitting in class or relaxing at home, I would unthinkingly rest my chin on my hand, pushing my jaw back into my skull and hoping it would stick that way.  Looking back, I recall never being in a fully relaxed position: I had become accustomed to straining the muscles in my neck to pull my jaw back as far as possible.  When talking to friends, as much as possible I would try and cover the lower half of my face with my hand.  As much as I had told myself in fear before surgery that this undertaking was unnecessary, that my bite didn't affect my life, that I had learned to live with it: I was lying.

When I try to see this situation objectively, this whole thing seems so brutally insignificant.  Compared with so much deeper suffering?  In the broad scheme of things, a jaw surgery seems to be something unworthy of making such a fuss over. (I always make too big a deal of things!)  Regardless, it's funny how something so seemingly insignificant can dictate someone's every thought and movement.

This is why I now know that the decision to get surgery was the right one.  I had the opportunity and the means to improve this one little aspect of myself, my life didn't have to be adjust, settle, deal, adapt, accommodate.  At least not in this area: this was fixable.  I took a round of pictures the night before surgery on my Photobooth (I'm cursing myself for not taking better-looking ones!) so I could try and get a clear picture of exactly what my pre-surgery bite looked like.  This also served to convince myself once-and-for-all that I needed this surgery.  I got a little silly, but hopefully these will give you a better picture of my bite discrepancy!

 I was biting down in this picture-- ahh!

  

Aaaaand here's my profile now:

And look at DIS!

 Yay!

Day 15: Art & Things Are Looking Up!

Another good day!  Two in a row?  Ridiculous! Another friend from school came to visit today, making this weekend the most heavily populated one for me since surgery.  As I discussed in another post, I feel like isolating oneself is the quickest road to depression!  It's so important to see friends, even though I feel dumb that I'm unable to talk, eat, or smile with them.  The muscles in my face that I am able to use are still sparse, so I have formed a compensatory funny-looking closed mouth smile.

Not liking my weird closed-mouth smile, hoping things improve soon!

I also did some drawing today, such a great stress reliever!  I've always been drawn to drawing profiles (pun?), something which stems from my insecurity about my own.  I'm sure fellow jaw surgery patients can relate: once you are aware of the abnormality in your bite, you become so hyper-aware of profiles!  Where someone else would say, "Wow what a pretty girl!" I am thinking,  "Damn that's a nice profile."

Nowhere close to finished yet!

I am a little worried that a lot of my facial muscles are still numb or painful to use. When I try and animate, it feels lopsided. I sincerely hope this returns to normal- what use is a normal bite if my face is all messed up? I'm not sure if I should be doing any type of muscle rehabilitation given that my surgeon said nothing on the subject.
Here are my progress pics, which I will probably be posting less of because my swelling has more or less stabilized:

Day 14: Two Weeks !!

Today marks TWO WEEKS SINCE SURGERY!  And it was a good day!  My friend and I visited another friend from school who recently had surgery on her feet: it was a great scene- she couldn't walk and I couldn't talk!  Nevertheless, I was thrilled to finally get out of the house for a reason other than an appointment.  I was a little wary about going at first, feeling uncomfortable that I was a little puffy-faced and still totally unable to talk or smile.  But once I got there, I was so happy to be out and in the company of friends!  Here are some photos from the day:

Pensive pose.

 She's imitating my poker face - I got a little smile going!

This photo would be so much cuter if I could smile-- Love these girls!

This morning on a whim, I downloaded an iPhone app called "Speak It!", which translates your text into speech.  When I first tried it out, it seemed absolutely ridiculous.  The app contains four voice options: British woman, American woman, British man, and American man.  It swallows your typed word and regurgitates a monotonic robot voice - I felt like Stephen Hawking using it!  I couldn't resist cracking up (painfully!) when I tried it and whomever I was trying to communicate with thought it was hilarious too!  Despite its silliness, it is very useful if you are trying to speak to someone who is driving or unable to come over and read the words on your whiteboard.  It's $1.99, but I think it's well worth it if you're going to be in fixation for a while!

Even though it's only been two weeks, I feel like the surgery was a lifetime ago.  Each day of recovery feels so lengthened by obstacles and emotions that time begins to move more and more slowly and passively.  Regardless, I am definitely aware of how much the swelling has ebbed since day one: I'm looking like me again!  I'm so glad that my nose has turned down a bit and my top lip is less Lana Del Rey-esque.

Here are today's progress pics:

My top lip isn't sticking out further than the bottom anymore and I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am much more recognizable though - so relieved!

Day 12: Pre-braces Facebook Photos

Food is like an ex-boyfriend to me now.  I seem to see it everywhere, think about it all the time.  Now that we are unable to be together, I feel as though I didn't truly appreciate what a fabulous relationship we once had.  I just didn't realize how much I loved it: now it's absence gnaws away at my heart. (Pun intended)  Sure I mess around with Ensure and GoGoSqueeze to indulge my appetite, but it's not the same. 

Other than the wires that continue to scrape up the inside of my lips, not much is new in regards to teeth.  I just wish time would move faster so that I'll be able to use them again.

I still cannot decide if I am content with the changes in my appearance.  After recently being tagged in a Facebook photo, I began absentmindedly poring over old pictures of myself.  Although I know I did not get this surgery for cosmetic reasons, I can't help thinking that I didn't mind the way I looked back then.  Sure I was insecure about my bite and experienced functional issues, but these pictures exude a confidence that I forgot once I got braces. 

Here are some pictures for a better idea of what I looked like before:

 I didn't like my bite but I knew how to pose for pictures- I would always turn my head at the same angle to the side where I felt I was the most photogenic.

It is possible that I may just be getting nostalgic for happier times- this whole process definitely takes a toll!  I think I just miss the period before all the metal in my mouth.  And just as I inexplicably torture myself by watching the food channel, I continue to torture myself by looking at photos of a braceless, happier me.  But once all of this is over, I think I will be happy with my final result.

This is what I look like now:

I look really tired!  Got too much on my mind to sleep lately.

Day 11: Party In My Mouth!

There is a lot of crap in my mouth!  Today, I took a trip out to the orthodontist to fix a persistent poky wire that had split open my lip.  As the dental assistant attempted to bend it, I was given the opportunity to have a good look at my teeth through the hand mirror that she gave me.  There are wires in and out and around my gums sticking out every which way like a diverse little forest of metal and plastic.  Due to the numerous issues that stem from surgery, I largely ignored the bits of wire that poked at the inside of my mouth.  Now that things have more or less stabilized, I am beginning to be aware of all of the cuts produced by the metal.  My cheeks are torn up inside!  Orthodontic wax is currently acting as a bandaid solution.

 It's a party in my mouth-- there are teeth under all of that I swear!

 My friend came over tonight to watch Pretty Little Liars (my guilty pleasure!)-- I am getting much better at communicating non-verbally!  My surgeon said that at this stage most people can talk, albeit muffled with their mouth closed, but I have tried and it really is impossible with the massive plastic splint.  The splint sits in my mouth separating my upper and lower jaw, solid except for a hole which allows my tongue to touch the roof of my mouth.  My parents keep encouraging me to speak, but it just sounds like I am drowning and it has been much easier to remain silent.

The friend that came over told me she doesn't see any swelling, that I look normal now.  I definitely think there is some poof to lose, but this is probably more or less what I am going to look like.  Am I happy with it?  Not sure yet.  I do love my side profile: it's finally what a normal and balanced profile should be.  What I am concerned with is how the procedure affected my nose.  It has always been slightly crooked due to my deviated septum, but I feel as though the defect has been made more noticeable now.  The base has also widened and the tip has turned up, which I'm not sure I'm happy with-- maybe I'm just being nitpicky.  I'll make a final statement once I see what my smile looks like!

Can't wait to finally close in on week two!