Day 37: Breakable

"Have the courage to be imperfect."  I read this bit of inspiration on a friend's Facebook status (hi Claire if you happen to be reading this!) and began to rethink my post I wrote a few days ago.  Using this recovery time to begin to pick apart my other imperfections is definitely not the way I wanted to approach this situation.  Accepting exactly who and what you are is so essential to being happy, even in a time of these confusing, frustrating changes!

Now that I'm gaining more and more mobility in my jaw, I've been doing my best to ignore my splint and try to eat normally.  At the same time, I'm paranoid that the chewing I've been doing will somehow fracture my palate!  There are so many activities, such as riding a bike, that are now inaccessible for fear of breaking some of that fragile thin bone up there.  Even after the splint is out, my parents and surgeon have advised me against doing anything that may put my jaw in danger.  The last thing I want is for this surgery to grant me more limitations.  Hopefully in time, jaw surgery will not always sit uncomfortably at the back of my mind!

Day 33: Jaw Surgery Reflections

I have spent more time indoors this summer than ever before.  Ordinarily, I delight in taking the opportunity to travel: I am always thrilled to immerse myself in a new culture and language, see the sights, have adventures.  Today I spoke with my best friend via Facetime, someone I've traveled with each summer for the past four or five years.  Her adventure for the season ironically coincided with mine again, however now she is on a two-month excursion in Bolivia while I am here in a two-month experience in jaw surgery.  While she is becoming fluent in Spanish, I am becoming fluent in patience.  And Netflix.  I don't want to sound bitter by any means, but I guess I'm just becoming a little restless.  I'm so eager to go out and grab life by the horns while I am still young and able!  Regardless, I do believe I will come out of this that much more appreciative of each moment I don't have to spend struggling to talk, having wires tear the inside of my mouth, or sucking Ensure out of a syringe.  I may not have been able to see much of the world this summer, but I think this experience has deepened mine.

Tomorrow I return to work, which should be interesting.  As much as the I really should feeling is tugging at me, I am still so reluctant to see and talk to people who aren't close friends while I am in this state.  I also have an orthodontist appointment in which the man will once again attempt to bend down the wires in my gums (the assistant was unsuccessful the first time, I'm pretty sure it's impossible).  Also, I am eager to ask about the next steps to follow once the splint is finally out.  How long do I have to remain in braces?  Is it at all possible to switch to Invisalign?  I don't really understand what the difference would be between metal braces and Invisalign post-surgically-- if the objective is to hold the teeth in their new bite, can that not be done without wires and brackets?  I'm not sure if it's possible, but that would be absolutely amazing to have every scrap of metal (besides the plates holding my jaw together) out of my face by the end of the summer.

Day 28: 4 WEEKS BANDS ARE OFF!! PICS&VIDEO! :) :)

BIG DAY TODAY!  I arrived at the surgeon's for my appointment hoping for the best, but honestly expecting nothing.  He had assured me that I would be in fixation for a solid six weeks, today's appointment being only to loosen the bands holding my jaws together.  However, when the surgeon strolled casually into the room as he always seems to do, he nonchalantly remarked, "Have we cut those bands off yet?  What has it been, six weeks now?"  I instantly was shaking with excitement- was today going to be the day I would be able to eat and talk again?  He bent down and squinted, examining my teeth.  He nodded.  "Okay, try not to move your jaw around too much, you're going to be sore after," YES IT WAS!  
Opening my mouth again was a strange, almost alien sensation.  I was instantly a lot more conscious of the big plastic splint in my mouth, and the fact that it smelled.  Awful.  I practiced trying to talk in the bathroom mirror, the voice coming naturally, but painfully due to the metal wires jutting into the inside of my mouth.  However, on the car ride home, I was overcome with joy: I CAN TALK AGAIN!  I excitedly began to speak with my parents, called friends, and took some pictures:

My tongue can finally see the light of day!

I was STOKED.  My first order of business as soon as I got home was to EAT SOLID FOOD.  My mom made me some pasta, and I quickly realized that I was biting off more than I could chew. (HA!) My mouth can only open so far, and my joints were giving me a head and neckache from the chatting.  I could only eat via swallowing one pasta shell at a time whole, which was excruciating.  Unfortunately, I will have to hold off on solid foods for a little longer.  But still, it's a HUGE step towards normalcy.  We happily threw away all the syringes that have littered the house for the past month and broke out the baby spoons.  YES!

Because it's my first opportunity to talk, I also decided to record a video so that readers of this blog could more easily visualize my face and hear my gargly voice:

That's an attractive thumbnail photo.

It's strange to suddenly be granted speech again.  After such a long period of silence, I have to actively remind myself that I'm able to articulate the thoughts in my head.  This blog has been my voice for the past month, writing and art my means of expression.  I felt like a monk, exploring my thoughts, feelings, and capabilities while under a vow of silence.  It was a unique experience, one I never would have undertaken had I not been forced to by this surgery.  Though I learned a lot, I am definitely grateful for the silent stage in my life to have ended.  There's still a long way to go, but today marked a massive milestone in my journey!

Day 15: Art & Things Are Looking Up!

Another good day!  Two in a row?  Ridiculous! Another friend from school came to visit today, making this weekend the most heavily populated one for me since surgery.  As I discussed in another post, I feel like isolating oneself is the quickest road to depression!  It's so important to see friends, even though I feel dumb that I'm unable to talk, eat, or smile with them.  The muscles in my face that I am able to use are still sparse, so I have formed a compensatory funny-looking closed mouth smile.

Not liking my weird closed-mouth smile, hoping things improve soon!

I also did some drawing today, such a great stress reliever!  I've always been drawn to drawing profiles (pun?), something which stems from my insecurity about my own.  I'm sure fellow jaw surgery patients can relate: once you are aware of the abnormality in your bite, you become so hyper-aware of profiles!  Where someone else would say, "Wow what a pretty girl!" I am thinking,  "Damn that's a nice profile."

Nowhere close to finished yet!

I am a little worried that a lot of my facial muscles are still numb or painful to use. When I try and animate, it feels lopsided. I sincerely hope this returns to normal- what use is a normal bite if my face is all messed up? I'm not sure if I should be doing any type of muscle rehabilitation given that my surgeon said nothing on the subject.
Here are my progress pics, which I will probably be posting less of because my swelling has more or less stabilized:

Day 12: Pre-braces Facebook Photos

Food is like an ex-boyfriend to me now.  I seem to see it everywhere, think about it all the time.  Now that we are unable to be together, I feel as though I didn't truly appreciate what a fabulous relationship we once had.  I just didn't realize how much I loved it: now it's absence gnaws away at my heart. (Pun intended)  Sure I mess around with Ensure and GoGoSqueeze to indulge my appetite, but it's not the same. 

Other than the wires that continue to scrape up the inside of my lips, not much is new in regards to teeth.  I just wish time would move faster so that I'll be able to use them again.

I still cannot decide if I am content with the changes in my appearance.  After recently being tagged in a Facebook photo, I began absentmindedly poring over old pictures of myself.  Although I know I did not get this surgery for cosmetic reasons, I can't help thinking that I didn't mind the way I looked back then.  Sure I was insecure about my bite and experienced functional issues, but these pictures exude a confidence that I forgot once I got braces. 

Here are some pictures for a better idea of what I looked like before:

 I didn't like my bite but I knew how to pose for pictures- I would always turn my head at the same angle to the side where I felt I was the most photogenic.

It is possible that I may just be getting nostalgic for happier times- this whole process definitely takes a toll!  I think I just miss the period before all the metal in my mouth.  And just as I inexplicably torture myself by watching the food channel, I continue to torture myself by looking at photos of a braceless, happier me.  But once all of this is over, I think I will be happy with my final result.

This is what I look like now:

I look really tired!  Got too much on my mind to sleep lately.

Day 11: Party In My Mouth!

There is a lot of crap in my mouth!  Today, I took a trip out to the orthodontist to fix a persistent poky wire that had split open my lip.  As the dental assistant attempted to bend it, I was given the opportunity to have a good look at my teeth through the hand mirror that she gave me.  There are wires in and out and around my gums sticking out every which way like a diverse little forest of metal and plastic.  Due to the numerous issues that stem from surgery, I largely ignored the bits of wire that poked at the inside of my mouth.  Now that things have more or less stabilized, I am beginning to be aware of all of the cuts produced by the metal.  My cheeks are torn up inside!  Orthodontic wax is currently acting as a bandaid solution.

 It's a party in my mouth-- there are teeth under all of that I swear!

 My friend came over tonight to watch Pretty Little Liars (my guilty pleasure!)-- I am getting much better at communicating non-verbally!  My surgeon said that at this stage most people can talk, albeit muffled with their mouth closed, but I have tried and it really is impossible with the massive plastic splint.  The splint sits in my mouth separating my upper and lower jaw, solid except for a hole which allows my tongue to touch the roof of my mouth.  My parents keep encouraging me to speak, but it just sounds like I am drowning and it has been much easier to remain silent.

The friend that came over told me she doesn't see any swelling, that I look normal now.  I definitely think there is some poof to lose, but this is probably more or less what I am going to look like.  Am I happy with it?  Not sure yet.  I do love my side profile: it's finally what a normal and balanced profile should be.  What I am concerned with is how the procedure affected my nose.  It has always been slightly crooked due to my deviated septum, but I feel as though the defect has been made more noticeable now.  The base has also widened and the tip has turned up, which I'm not sure I'm happy with-- maybe I'm just being nitpicky.  I'll make a final statement once I see what my smile looks like!

Can't wait to finally close in on week two!

Day 10: Down For Some Down Time

Today wholly consisted of reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and watching The Big Lebowski.  One positive that's come out of this recovery: lots of downtime to catch up on things I always wanted to do but never got around to doing!  Among reading and watching new movies, I've been sketching, writing, getting new music, thinking a lot, working a little, keeping up with the Olympic trials, and using StumbleUpon to kill endless hours on the web.  My doctors-for-parents constantly freak that I may develop blood clots from sitting so much, so I take little walks around the neighborhood.

Here's a picture of the bay from the walk I took tonight!

Gorgeous!

  There isn't much news on the jaw front other than the feeling in my facial muscles slowly coming back.  I've got in my head that I have to exercise them, so I've been making little scrunch faces and attempting to smile as I sit at my computer.  I also noticed I had only been syringe-feeding myself on the left side of my face, the side that seemed to be progressing faster.  Now I have been switching off to the right, for fear that my face will become strangely lopsided when it is fully healed.  The swelling is going down every day!  I'm excited to see the progress at the two-week mark.

For now I look like this:

Lips are still funny-looking and still can't smile, but it's great to start to look like myself again!

Day 9: Real Food Cravings

After all of this is over, if I see another syringe it will be too soon.  Every time I turn on the television, commercials filled with tantalizing breaded fish and chicken, delicious chocolate sweets, and tasty burgers and hot dogs tease me endlessly.  I've started dreaming about solid foods!  Five more weeks of soups and smoothies? Ugh.
I'm still a mute as well: I've now grown accustomed to communicating via whiteboard or notepad in conjunction with my "mm-mm"s and "mm-hm"s.  My cheeks and upper lip area are sore, partially numb, and tingly, but are gaining feeling each day.  The swelling has gone down considerably and my parents say that I am beginning to look like myself again!  This is a huge relief: I am so used to my bony, angular face and jawline that my puffy image just made me look like a totally different person.  Hopefully I will be able to smile again soon!

 Sorry for the terrible lighting!

Day 8: Out and about!

Not much change today.  Aside from reeling from the six-week sentence I was issued yesterday, today seemed to signal that things would begin to return to some sort of normal.  I did get my first good look at the stitches under my upper lip this morning, as the area has been too tender to investigate before.  My first observation: my breath is terrible.  For this first week, I had been advised not to brush but use Peridex, an oral rinse.  This seems to get rid of the debris, but it does nowhere near the job needed to maintain a healthy mouth.  For this reason, I am left with a constant disgusting taste that is impossible to relieve.  My second observation was that a stitch appeared to have come loose, leaving a significant reddish gap.  My dad said that this was nothing to be worried about- the stitches are meant to dissolve and the gap did not look infected.  The right side of my face is still sore and I am hoping it heals quickly so that I may try and talk soon.
Another friend came over today: we took a walk around the neighborhood.  Though I was easily winded, I appreciated really being outside for the first time since surgery.  I had missed the sun on my face and the wind at my back.  The exercise was much needed as well- it was a welcome change from the hours of laying sedentary on the couch.

My friend said I'm looking like Lana Del Rey with my puffy lip!

Day 7: Dis-appointment

Emotions ran high today.  We drove two hours out to the surgeon's office as he promised to fix looser bands on my teeth than the wire-like ones I am wearing currently.  I approached the appointment optimistically, hoping that this meant I would be able to talk some as well as open my mouth a little.  Upon arriving, the surgeon cheerily assessed my profile and praised his handiwork, saying that I looked "great" and my surgery went "perfectly".  I typed out a message asking about looser bands, which he replied with, "Oh no, not today.  And nothing will change once you get them on anyway."  When will I get them off? When will I be able to open my mouth again?  "Six weeks."  SIX WEEKS.  SIX WEEKS? What?  Before surgery, he said the bands would be off in two weeks, and the splint would stay in longer.  But now six weeks of silence, syringes, not being able to rid the inside of my mouth of that awful taste that has worsened exponentially within the week?  How can I possibly resume any kind of normal life if I can't even talk?  Hit with the brunt force of this news, I basically just exploded.  I started sobbing uncontrollably right there in front of the surgeon, surely making him uncomfortable.  He was only there for about ten minutes until he left.  He did say that the reason I am unable to talk is that my upper lip is still too tender, otherwise I should be able to talk with my mouth closed once the swelling goes down.
I was absolutely miserable after this.  I took an unnecessarily long shower, scraping off the last remnants of glue left behind by the tape over the IV.  My friend then came over to comfort me, someone I've known nearly my entire life-- she's having a similarly shitty summer for different reasons.  We watched a movie, talked (on her end), and laughed (painfully).  Her visit made me feel a million times better- I think my self-prescribed isolation was a major reason I was feeling so depressed.  Now that I've accepted that things aren't going to change for awhile, I must get back to some semblance of a normal life.

I didn't get around to taking pictures today- I'll try to tomorrow.  The swelling hasn't changed all that much.

Day 6: Ortho Appt

(this was technically posted on day 7, but I'm cheating a little)

Having read yesterday's blog post, my dad came to the conclusion that I am suffering from what he calls post-operative depression(he's a surgeon).  Which may very well be true, but he made a point of telling each staff member as well as the orthodontist of my state at my appointment today.  Because I was unable to offer any contradicting words or emotions, they all met me with words of sympathy and encouragement.  My orthodontist told me that everything lined up well and was looking good, and that my swelling should decrease significantly within the upcoming week.  Despite this good news, today was an emotional day.  I met my first venture outside with the utmost resistance, reluctant for others to see me in my puffy, silent condition.  When I got home, I was overall just feeling terrible.  My eyes were throbbing, my back and neck were in spasm, my nose had resumed bleeding.  I was starving but had no desire to syringe-feed myself (I have now lost five pounds :( ).  I also was exhausted, a feeling that has persisted through my week of recovery.  Dejected, I went straight to bed at around nine, waking up several times throughout the night.

I woke up this morning feeling much better, though my neck is still bothering me.  Next stop, post-op appointment with the surgeon!

Here are the photos I took on day 6:

Day 5: Ugh.

I am growing more and more lethargic each day.  Today mostly consisted of sleeping, being congested, and trying to make myself eat.  I have lost the will to do anything.  Plainly, I am just exhausted.  Weak.  Lazy.  Despondent.  The tylenol with codeine, which I have been taking less frequently, I do not believe to be the issue.  Rather, it is a persistent feeling of complete uselessness that is preying on my mind.  Unable to speak, move much, or eat properly, I am feeling trapped in my home as well as my body.  I am beginning to resent this expressionless, bloated face I must call mine for the time being. I know things will improve in the future, but for the present, I'm just stuck.
The lack of energy may also stem from my liquid diet, which is much less than satisfying.  I have only lost two pounds, which is much better than I was expecting!  I still just feel awful in this recovery limbo.  Tomorrow will be my first day leaving the house since surgery in order to see my orthodontist who wants to evaluate my wires (or something).  I am reluctant for others to see me, but it's probably in my best interest to get out of the house.

 My parents keep insisting that my swelling is going down but I only see a little progress:

I've also developed some bruising on my cheeks.

Day 4: Puffy Lip Post-Op Pics!

Not breathing is by far the worst.  I've been waking up each morning incredibly congested and gasping for air.  I really hope my nose stops bleeding soon, I'm sick of this!  I'm using afrin and saline to combat the congestion, but it keeps coming back!
BUT I slept a solid six hours last night which is more than the two previous nights combined!  It was amazing!  I also slept horizontally for the first time since surgery which felt awesome.  I've been weaning myself of the meds as well- no more tylenol with codeine and onto just motrin!  I'm still very sleepy despite all this.  There's a lot of pressure in my sinuses which I feel behind my eyes and in my ears.  My skin's been really flaky also- aquaphor is a must!  But at this point, nothing's unbearable- just inconvenient.  I can't wait until I can talk and smile and laugh again!  I feel like I appear to be an emotionless, speechless blob.
I've been a little more daring with my food choices!  My parents have been trying to blend turkey burgers and pasta which are a nice change from soup, which is still my preference.  Liquid muffins are definitely an acquired taste.  This morning I had hot chocolate through my syringe, yum!

 My swelling's started to lessen a little although I still am a Michelin man:

My nose turned up a little which I'm not sure I'm happy about yet, but my profile's looking way more balanced!